Monday, June 02, 2008

Jessica Valenti: The Sexual Double Standard

He's a Stud, She's a Slut: The Sexual Double Standard
By Jessica Valenti, Seal Press
AlterNet

Excerpt from:



If you have a vagina, chances are someone has called you a slut at least once in your life. There's just no getting around it.

I remember the first time I heard the word "slut" -- I was in my fifth-grade science class. A certain little girl (terror) named Eleena had been making my life miserable all year in a way that only mean little girls can. She had turned all my girlfriends against me, spread rumors and the like. She walked up to me at my desk and said, "You called me a slut." I had absolutely no idea what the word meant. I just sat there, silently. She repeated herself: "You called me a slut, but you're the slut." I don't remember how long after that I found out exactly what "slut" meant, but I knew it had to be terrible and I knew I didn't want to be it.

Naturally, I'd be called a slut many times over later in life -- not unlike most girls. I was called a slut when my boobs grew faster than others'. I was called a slut when I had a boyfriend (even though we weren't having sex.) I was called a slut when I didn't have a boyfriend and kissed a random boy at a party. I was called a slut when I had the nerve to talk about sex. I was called a slut when I wore a bikini on a weekend trip with high school friends. It seems the word slut can be applied to any activity that doesn't include knitting, praying, or sitting perfectly still lest any sudden movements be deemed whorish.

Despite the ubiquity of "slut," where you won't hear it is in relation to men. Men can't be sluts. Sure, someone will occasionally call a guy "a dog," but men simply aren't judged like women are when it comes to sexuality. (And if they are, they're judged in a positive way!) Men who have a lot of sexual partners are studs, Casanovas, pimps, and players. Never sluts. In fact, when I just did a Google search for "male sluts," the first result I got was She Male Sluts DVD! I know, should have seen that coming. The point is, there isn't even a word -- let alone a concept -- to signify a male slut.

But it makes sense when you think about what the purpose of the word "slut" is: controlling women through shame and humiliation. Women's bodies are always the ones that are being vied over for control -- whether it's rape, reproductive rights, or violence against women, it's our bodies that are the battleground, not men's.

And if you don't think it's about control, consider this little bit of weirdness. The most recent incarnation of the sexual double standard being played out in a seriously creepy way is through Purity Balls. These promlike events basically have fathers take their daughters to a big fancy dance where they promise their daddy their virginity. Likewise, the father promises to be the "keeper" of his daughter's virginity until he decides to give it to her future husband. Where are the Purity Balls for men, you ask? Oh, they're there, but they're about controlling women too! Called Integrity Balls, these events focus on men not having sex because they'd be defiling someone else's "future wife"! Not because men need to be pure or be virgins -- but because they need to make sure women are virgins. Unbelievable, really.

Outside of the feminist implications of the sexual double standard, the slut/stud conundrum has always been my favorite because it just makes no sense logically. Why is a woman less of a person, or (my favorite) "dirty," because she has sex? (Heterosexual sex, that is; somehow lesbian sex isn't "real.") Does a penis have some bizarre dirtymaking power that I'm unaware of? Every time I have sex, do I lose a bit of my moral compass? "Sorry to mug you, Grandma, but I had sex twice this week!"

To Read the Rest of the Excerpt

4 comments:

loveall said...

Excellent and well worded blog. Thank you for sharing your experiences, and genuine insight into this subject. To answer your question about men being considered studs, and women sluts, may I offer a bit of my own personal experience and viewpoints as a man?

Quite true, that men do not receive the stamp of slut, and there is no word that really sticks to us, basically, because no one really pursues us the way women are pursued. You see, it is up to the females to either say yes, or no, to sex. Wherever a woman turns, there is a willing man ready to go. Not so the case with a man. We can be incredibly good looking, and still not find a willing participant. Having a woman agree to sex with us is like cracking a bank safe, it takes years of planning, caressing, and sometimes, pure luck, to even have one open. Thus, when we finally do have sex, our fellow man is willing to extend his sincere appreciation for how difficult a task he has undertaken.

Women just say yes, or no, men have to work for it, very, very hard.


As for the purity ball, goodness, America couldn't be more puritanically incestuous if it tried, what a twisted concept.


Great blog!!

Michael said...

Loveall -- I would take the time to rebut this comment, but I have no sense of who you are and thus do not want to invest the time (no online presence or sense of who you are irl).

I will say that this comment is incredibly naive and demonstrates a myopic view of sex, gender and relations.

loveall said...

And I will say that labeling my honest and open interpretation of my experience with anything but appreciation for sharing my different perspective is unfortunate. I feel that your shakra system is far too bogged down with your own limitations to truly be able to communicate with your fellow man/woman.

May I suggest a long period of self reflection and meditation alongside the company of a well trained and professional practitioner of the art of self healing. When all of the resentment you have built up for yourself comes out, (likely in the form of all the ideologies you have allowed to attach to yourself) you will need an enlightened and experienced person to bring you out of the lense of darkness that you have surrounded yourself in. Look into your relationship with your parents, and your childhood memories for a good starting point :)

We are thr only ones holding ourselves back from enjoying and connecting to life.


And remember, acknowledgment is the key to personal growth!!!


LOVEALL

Michael said...

Loveall -- I'm sorry you feel the need to cloak your ignorance in new age mumbo jumbo. I'm not looking for a cult leader so I'll pass.