I think I want more from life than it is willing to give me at the moment. I want some magic, transcendent experiences, epiphanies...
I feel somewhat at peace with myself (OK, there is turmoil, but not the self-castigating defeatist kind), just there is this longing for something more.
When I used to body surf in the ocean when I was young there would come a point where an offshore storm would create massive waves and fierce riptides--I was terrified of the force of these waters, but I was also drawn to them, as if there was something in there for me to discover more about my nature. Sometimes there would be one wave (or a series of them) that would pummel me and knock the breath out of me, rolling me about on the ocean floor, I would desperately dig my hands into the sandy bottom, seeking anything that I could hold onto until this fearsome force would pass, while it would continue to thrash me about and hold me down to the point where I would think that I would never recover, that this was it, I wasn't going to recover (I almost drowned twice)... until almost miraculously it would pass over me and I would spring up from the ocean floor and launch my body into the air and gulp down the precious life giving air. I would laugh... laugh at my fear, laugh at the awesome force of the world, and laugh because once again I survived... mystified at my weakness and surprised by my strength...
That is how I feel right now... the past year was one of those waves and I have just come back to the surface. I'm laughing for all of those reasons and I am mystified ...
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