"Fed Up Catholic Designs Own God" by Josh Richter

(courtesy of Kenneth Applebaum who posted it at MediaSquatters)

"Fed Up Catholic Designs Own God" by Josh Richter
Enduring Vision

Frustrated by the "too god damn many" rules and stipulations of the Catholic faith, and disheartened by their depiction of a God that is "wussy and boring", 24 year-old former-Catholic Ron Guller of Runeburg, Nebraska announced yesterday that he has concocted his own God, and further explained in a press conference.

"I was just so sick of crap like lent and confession and all that shit," Guller revealed. "I mean, I know Heaven is supposed to be a nice place and all, but getting in there is just ridiculous! On top of that, church was boring, my priest hated me, and the way they described God sounded plain old dumb. So one day I thought, 'Hey! Ron! Why the hell are you believing in some guy who makes you do all this crap, and doesn't even sound cool anyway?' That's when I got the idea for Super God Xtreme, or SGX as I sometimes like to call Him."

SGX reportedly possesses far more abilities than that of the Catholic God, including night-vision, "mega-sharp" claws, super speed, and even eyes capable of shooting laser blasts at unfortunate non-believers.

"I just whipped up this little sketch in Microsoft Paint here," Guller explained, gesturing to a diagram behind him, "and the ideas came like water. Probably because SGX filled my head with them with his hyper-telepathic capabilities. Anyway, I think it's pretty clear that he could easily kill anything, including all the different versions of God, not just the Catholic one."

Furthermore, Guller's God is far more lax about what His followers must to in order to reach the desired state of afterlife.

"I don't know about the Catholics," Guller smirked, "but my God likes to party. In fact, that's one of his Five Commandments, the other four being 'Don't Kill People', 'Only Drink Sometimes And Not Too Much When You Do Unless It's A Cool Party Or You Had A Rough Day', 'Hang Out With Hot Girls And/Or Guys', and, the most important one, 'Don't Believe In The Catholic God Or Any Other Religion's Version Of God Or Gods Or Whatever'. If you follow those, dude, you're set. And even if you don't follow them, SGX is cool with that. He's not a dick or anything. Just don't be, like, a nerd, and you'll be okay."

In addition, SGX will apparently assist believers with their everyday daily lives, as long as they follow His Commandments, and are generally "cool with Him".

"I've already quit my lame-ass [auto mechanic] job," Guller said with a dismissive wave of his hand. "I don't need that shit anymore, and SGX doesn't want me to have that shit anymore. He'll send me a good job really soon, and then probably a hot girlfriend."

Added Guller with a grin, "Would the Catholic God do that?"

Though the currently-unnamed religion of believing in SGX has no firm guidelines for recruiting new members, such as Christianity does, Guller believes that a minor amount of boasting is perfectly acceptable.

"There's nothing more satisfying that hanging out by a Catholic church, telling people that SGX could kick their God's ass if He wanted to, which he could. And if that makes people interested, well, they can always talk to me."

So what's next for SGX's most devoted follower? Building a place of worship, of course.

"It'll have this huge party room," Guller said excitedly, eyes gleaming. "With a number of sub-rooms for other stuff, if you know what I mean. SGX is cool with that stuff, too."

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