Sunday, August 14, 2005

Bobby Henderson: Open Letter to Kansas School Board

(Courtesy Davenetics)

"Open Letter to Kansas School Board"
Bobby Henderson, Concerned Citizen

I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design.

Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

It is for this reason that I’m writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I’m sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.

Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.

Rest of the letter, responses from the two board members with a sense of humor, many other letters, graphs, pictures...

5 comments:

Michael Hawkins said...

Thivai, that is hilarious. And I find it interesting that the Flying Spaghetti Monster arranged it so that your post would go up at precisely 11:11. To me, this verifies the Flying Spaghetti Monster Explanation, and I look forward to Kansas youth being blessed by its teaching.

Michael said...

Dear Michael,

Although Tom Frank and others have been disturbed by the conservative rumblings amongst our fellow Kansans, I feel heartened by the growing influence of the Spaghetti Monster and believe that through its (SM encompasses all 42 gender gradations so "it" comes closest) grace everything soon will be right in the portal to OZ.

As for the timing of the post, the Sapghetti Monster works in mysterious ways, blessed be!

Michael said...

Spaghetti Monster,

Please forgive my mispelling of your name in the previous post, I plead for your forgiveness, hallowed be your name!

Michael Hawkins said...

Thankfully, the Spaghetti Monster is all-forgiving and full of grace. Your innocent transgression has surely been dispensed with, Thivai.

Michael said...

Just to be on the safe side I will complete an hour of hail marinaras...