Thursday, February 08, 2007

How To Piss People Off

(In the midst of a long day workshopping papers with students, just got this from "I Love Olive" and it made me bust up laughing...)

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."


Brainwise said...

This is not the first I've seen of the list. And I am still proud to say that I have a tally sheet on which I have checked off a number of those items as DONE.

I am, unfortunately, legally bound to neither confirm nor deny which specific items I have done; nor am I permitted to reveal the exact number of items on the list I have completed.

But someday, perhaps soon, I will display it all on a t-shirt!

::: grinz :::

Anonymous said...

Very funny stuff. Thanks for sharing.
I have bookmarked your blog for future humour :)

Susannity said...

haha I really like the 'according to prophecy'! And I have met someone who always says 'that's what you think' and it is bloody annoying and confusing.

Susannity said...

sorry if this is a repeat - hung when i tried to post so not sure if it made it or not...

haha I really like the 'according to prophecy'! And I have met someone who always says 'that's what you think' and it is bloody annoying and confusing.

Michael Benton said...

I'm glad you all liked it--it had me rolling... BW, good luck on getting more crossed off your list...

Motivated In Ohio said...

This is one of the funniest things I have found in a long time. Thanks

Cletis said...

So glad I found your blog. This will give me another place to expand my teeny, little brain. This list killed me. The opera one is my favorite. When I was much much younger, I would sometimes sing Dixie while making love with a new lover. Have no idea why but I'm sure I have not been forgotten.

Note: The sign in word is "acocc." I swear.