Saturday, November 13, 2004

Dear President Bush

(courtesy of John B.)

Dear President Bush,

Congratulations on your election victory and for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.

However, I do need some advice from you regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how best to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev.11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

-Terry Liberty Parker


Susannity! (Susanne) said...

omg roflmao! I LOVE that post! Crossposting immediately. My sides are killing me as I am very sick with a bad cough so my muscles are all achy - this laughing isn't helping at all, but damn it's so funny, and now the laughing is making me cough more. It's a good pain. =)

lld3 said...

Keep preaching for your right but god if i want a book ill get a book keep quietstate your point then stfu

Deleted said...

I've seen versions of that before. It makes a good all purpose letter for correspondence with selectively literal bible thumpers.

Thivai Abhor said...

Susanne--I'm glad you liked it ... its fairly close to an earlier version replying to Dr. Laura's rant about gays, but it still has a great power for this situation... nothing better than laughing! I hope you feel better soon!

lld3, I have no clue to waht your cryptic message is referring to, but, bya ll means keep fighting for your right to choose your own reading materials--peace.

Harry, it certainly does and it will be my response on this issue, funny how they "pick and choose" what to believe literally and what to ignore.

Deleted said...

It's part of the cult tendency in socially immature people. They wish to be absolved of responsibilities they don't like and to elevate their bigotry and ignorance to the level of thoughtful doctrine. It's not exclusive to christianity. Fascism, neoliberalism and collectivism -- to name just a few -- do the same.

Thivai Abhor said...

Harry, absolutely, Christianity is not the problem, some of my best friends are Christians (I just wanted to say that--ha!), and we are blinded if we think its just a religious problem ... you give some classic examples, for me, what is scary (yes scary) is the linking of nationalism, imperialism, and religion into a monological discourse intolerant of dissent and difference.

Deleted said...

Some of my best relatives are Chrisitians :-)

I used to think increases in material prosperity would eliminate the tendency to join cults and adopt aggressive intolerance. Physical well being can be quantified and there's lots of science on how to bring it about. I still think it's part of the answer -- and worth doing -- but what people need more are means of defeating the rationalizations for privilege and grosss disparities of outcome in life's struggle. Poverty stricken areas are not always more violent than prosperous ones. A collective process (but not collectvism) for allocation of resources in which all are guaranteed a fair deal strikes me as a religious ideal. Defensive rationales for injustice are cultish and loathsome.

There are many people who can intutitively grasp the sense of ensuring near equality of opportunity -- as much as is possible given the disparities in abilities we all have -- and making the primary goal of society good treatment for those in need. Most of the Christians I know and love have that quality.

Michael said...

Hey, this is something I posted a few months back as a letter to Dr. Laura. Well, I guess Bush should have a carbon copy, hehehe.